Knitting and Thinking

Friday night we were at Avery Fisher Hall hearing the NY Philharmonic conducted by Colin Davis.  The concert was utterly fabulous and we had a lovely time.  Mitsuko Uchida played the Mozart Piano Concerto in F major, K459, and the entire program was just sumptuous.

But what stuck in my head is something I read in the program notes.  In an article on Sir Colin, the author commented on how he has relaxed with age and become more ruminative and zen-like.

   

"He also learned to knit; it helps him think."

And that thought has stuck with me.  Well, I love to knit and it does help me think.  I love knitting and letting my mind wander through the various machinations of its thoughts.  I love the idea that as my hands can purl, my thoughts can wander around where they will like the purling of a brook.  I love the juxtaposition of the meanings of words with the activities of life.

Mostly however that sentence stuck with me because I have not been knitting that much, or more exactly that my own knitting rhythms have been interrupted.

I have not been knitting, I realize now, precisely because knitting helps me think.  It helps me reflect.  And lately I have been avoiding thought and reflection.  You see my beloved G has lung cancer.  We learned this two weeks ago, and I have been keeping things mostly bottled up for much of this period because G thought he could keep it a secret and tell no one, including his children, his family, or his office staff.  Eventually he had to accept that this could not be and so we are closing the office, seeing doctors, and preparing for lung surgery. 

We are lucky in that the cancer has not spread (as far as can be determined) beyond the lung and it is therefore a surgical case.  This is the best possible hope at this point, and I am substantially relieved.  But not relieved enough that I want to sit and knit and let my mind wander over the changes, options, and risks ahead.  Oh I do knit.  I knit in doctor's offices to keep from pacing and making the other patients and their families nervous.  I knit on the train.  I thought I would knit on the train back from the city as well, but I did not.  I started listening to my book and thought I would knit, but instead I slept, some of the best sleep I have had in weeks, perhaps the drone of the voice reading stilled those brain waves enough that they could just let go for a while.

There will be more doctor's offices, and more knitting, and eventually knitting in a hospital and knitting beside my beloved's bed while I watch over him.  And there will be periods of non-knitting too.  I have said that my projects often remind me of what was going on in my life while they were being knit.  This sweater will have many powerful memories.  Let us hope that the joining together of yarn, and the texture of the fabric will be dense and strong and will help hold us together well into the future.

Comments

[Marji]

Mardel know that you and G continue in my prayers and thoughts. {{hugs}}
I very much understand the connection between pieces of needlework and life events. I wonder if choosing something like a Hanne Falkenberg would be a good choice? Densely knit, all garter stitch - strong and basic, small stitches - one stitch/step at a time.

[Kathleen C.]

Oh Mardel,
I am so sorry to hear about G's health news. I'm glad that it is treatable in a best case scenario, and I send you both many good wishes... for strength, fortitude, determination and joy in each other.

[Hilary McDaniel]

Mardel, you both will be in our prayers. Life takes us on walks we sometimes don't want but I'm sure you'll see the rainbow at the end of this journey and all will be wonderful. Keep knitting as the yarn will carry your burdens.
hilary

[Gina]

Oh Mardel -- you bring tears to my eyes. You know that the knitting group and I continue to send loving and healing thoughts and prayers to you and G.

[Susan]

I don't know that the knitting is the danger. It occupies the time, when I might be pacing or perhaps doing something worse to act out my feelings. Don't give up the knitting. Don't give up, period.
There are others who have been there before you and will do what they can to help.
Overall, just do what feels right, and gather your strength, and hope for the best.