Spring colors. I am knitting with spring colors, although there is still plenty of wool in my plans and plenty of cold weather still hanging around. But the days are warmer and brighter because the sun is higher in the sky. I know spring is on its way because the sun has risen past that point where I have to close the blinds in the late afternoon or the house is filled with the blinding glare and reflection of the sun on the Hudson.
I also know spring is on the way in another sense because everything suddenly looks so much brighter. I have been worried and preoccupied lately and I have not really felt like sharing, mostly because my thoughts and fears were far to close to my heart. Call it superstitious perhaps, but I felt that if I voiced my wishes and dreams they might not come true.
But, as I said, Spring is in my step, in more ways than one. I think it was good that Easter came early this year, because Easter has always been a harbinger of big changes and transitions in my life. Again call me superstitious but I think Easter was on my side.
DH was in the hospital last week. He went in Wednesday for an aortic valve replacement and possible bypass. I was worried, but not specifically about the surgery, but about many things, and I had hopes, high hopes. DH has had a hard year since the lung cancer that was caught and removed last spring, and many other health issues in the ensuing months, some more minor, some more major. He is home now and doing fabulously well after the surgery.
I spent the days in the hospital, but I thought I would sew in the evenings when I was home. I always forget how exhausting sitting can be. Those things I attempted to sew are best forgotten now. It is only fabric after all and there is some fabric that will never be shown on this blog. There was also a laughable attempt at a muslin, but that at least can be redone.
There are bits and pieces of things in process, and hopefully there will be things to show again soon, not just mistakes to toss into the trash. I'm not quite there yet but I will be because my heart is lighter now and my ability to focus has also returned.
You see, I knew that the surgeons could fix DH's heart, this is such a common procedure now and the evidence was that this would be pretty straightforward. But I had been watching my love slip away mentally, no longer paying attention, not seeing things, not following conversations, losing the ability to perform simple tasks. This was very sad. And although it is known that heart disease can cause one to be tired. and lose mental acuity, none of his doctors believed that the heart disease was the root of his problems. They expected chest pain and angina, traditional symptoms, which my DH did not have until very recently, although he had a severely stenotic valve, and extensive disease in two arteries. But he always did marvelously on stress tests, felt fine when he exercised, had no chest pain, and had no severe arterial blockages. They all thought the memory issues had to be caused by something else because they see these as "secondary symptoms". But they found extensive disease over a widespread swath of the affected arteries, just not a thick blockage at a single point. They found a seriously malfunctioning valve.
And the first thing I noticed is that DH is brighter. He notices things he hadn't noticed for a long time such as colors and music. It is as if he could see and hear, but he had stopped registering these things. We have conversations again. He remembers what was said. He cracks jokes. He reads an article and discusses it. These are all things I once took for granted. These are all things I thought I had lost.
I had hoped that the surgery would bring my DH back to me, at least in part. I am reveling in finding this person has been returned to me. And yes, now I know that spring is truly on its way.
